No answers.

It’s a beautiful day in Charlotte, NC. I just got back from the grocery store. You would think this wouldn’t have been a big deal, but every normal thing takes more effort than usual. I begin to think that I wish we practiced the ancient Jewish ritual of covering ourselves in ashes and dust and wearing torn garments so that people would know we were in mourning. But Ron, who loads my groceries and helps me to the car, asks me how my Memorial Day was. He talks about the weather. The checkout lady wants to make small talk about my cleaning products. 

It’s not their issue—they have no idea I’m walking around with a shattered heart, confusing thoughts and an exhausted body. 

My mom’s decision to end her life is a sad one, a hurtful one, a confusing one. I have zero answers. The questions try to hijack my day. I remember something I read in Jen Pollock Michel’s latest book, Surprised by Paradox, “Sometimes there is no untangling the why.”

I had been on Jen’s book launch team. She asked us what section of her book we thought the most or least about (Incarnation, Grace, Kingdom or Lament). I answered honestly that I didn’t think about lament very much. And now that’s all I seem to be doing.

“Evening and morning and at noon I will complain and murmur and He will hear my voice. He will redeem my soul in peace from the battle which is against me.” {Psalm 55:17-18}

This afternoon I read Psalm 131

O Lord, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty;

Nor do I involve myself in great matters, or in things too difficult for me.

Surely I have composed and quieted my soul; 

Like a weaned child rests upon his mother, 

O Israel, hope in the Lord from this time forth and forever.

And I found this framed photo of me resting contentedly on my Mama’s lap. 

IMG_5148.jpg

God’s personal love and tender care for me is evident. He has matured me over the years through His Word and by His presence, and I have more and more trust in His goodness and His sovereignty than ever before. I am like a weaned child–gaining strength and no longer in need of things that at one time were indispensable. I am choosing to rest on Him and in Him. I need Him; I don’t need answers.

“But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord, I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in Your hand.”  {Psalm 31:14-15}

8 thoughts on “No answers.

  1. Oh Kristy! My heart is breaking for you. I will be praying for your family in the days, weeks, months, and years to come. Love you, friend

  2. Oh Kristy, I am so, so sorry. My heart hurts for you and your family. Praying now and will continue to pray. Love You

  3. Kristy, my heart aches for you. I know you don’t know me, I am Deidre’s mom. A few years ago I had a nephew that took his life and the questions as to why and why then still have no answers. I can’t begin to understand the magnitude of your grief. I pray for you to find peace in this difficult time. Praying for you and your family

  4. Kristy, you and your family are and have been very special to me and my family. I am praying for you all. Some things are so difficult to understand, but I know that God is in control and because He lives I can face tomorrow. I love you all.

  5. My circumstances are very different , but I too, am mourning the loss of my mom and the pain is great. I pray for you and your family daily because when I am hurting I think of the horrible pain you all are going through and ask God for peace for all of us. I love you and your family so very much.

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